Where to begin with the the scariest and happiest day of my life. So many thoughts run through my head when I recall those memories. The drive to the hospital at 530am. The hospital not even really open when we arrive. The staff thinking that I was an emergency despite telling several people that we have and appointment only then to have them call my doctor. Being escorted to our room with the bellboy transporting our bags. Being visited by the following people: photography/videographer, nutritionist, anesthesiologist, Dr. J's assistant, the nurse and finally the transport guy with the dreaded stretcher.
The awful hospital lighting illuminates the tiles along the ceiling as my stretcher is wheeled down the hall. I try to collect my nerves and wrap my head around the situation. Out of the corner of my eyes and I can see Nate stumbling to follow along and trying to avoid getting in the way. When we finally reached our destination, Nate was taken to a room to change into scrubs while I was taken behind more double doors. Greeted by the nurse and the photographer I suddenly changed my mind about having this whole event documented as the camera clicks away.
Traveling through another corridor I finally enter the operating room to find Dr J, my pediatrician, my anesthesiologist and Dr J's assistant. Three of the four people speak English which is a nice release from of all the Portuguese required of me at such an early time in the morning. Still the fear of impeding doom hangs in my mind. I try to focus on the positive but cannot seem to distract my mind away from the fact that I will be completely awake for major surgery with zero mind altering substances and in zero pain. I always imagined that if I ever got an epidural that I would be screaming in pain and not caring what happened to me, not on the verge of tears because I am completely lucid.
The anesthesiologist places my IV and then Dr J makes me bend my knees to chest while laying on my left side which is almost impossible. The anxiety sets in and all of my fears burst through the brick wall I built the previous day when finding out about needing a c-section. Tears flow down my face while the empty words of reassurance issued flow in and out of my ears. I recall hearing, "you will feel a small prick and some pressure", and I wanted to scream LIARS- your just saying that!! Turns out that they were right. Immediately my left leg goes numb and then a fear of being half numb enters my brain but before the fear manifests into stronger tears I sudden cannot feel anything. This then brings a sense of being trapped and I truly focus on trying to move but can't. Meanwhile the pace of the tears increases causing them to rush to bring in Nate to my side.
While waiting for Nate to arrive the Dr's place me on my back and start to prep the "area" by cleaning and placing curtains up around me. Panic reaches a maximum and I find myself uncontrollably sobbing. I begin to feel that I am going to pass out due laying on my back/anxiety/whoknowswhat. I look to the side and Nate is standing there and the crying increases because I am so happy to see him. At this point I am struggling to stay awake, not vomit and smile for the f-ing photographer.
I close my eyes fighting to wake-up and get my crap in order. I feel consciousness fading in and out and I can't tell what's going on just sounds. The oxygen mask goes on my face and I instantly start to wake up. Keep in mind the cutting hasn't even begin. From this point on I can feel pressure along random spots on my belly along with severe tingling in my legs. I believe the cutting has now being because my blood pressure was up and my heart rate back to normal. A doctor from behind leans over my head and begins pushing really hard on the top of my ribs which hurts me and I can't help but groan. Looking at Nate the entire time while he focuses on rubbing my hair and telling me it's almost over I can't help but continue to cry. I suddenly feel a pop or release from deep inside my abdomen and I see them holding up Belle.
I don't hear hear cry at this point but I do see meconium, the first poo a baby has, which sets the nurse in me into action. I pray that I don't hear her cry until after I hear a suction machine (reasoning behind this is if there is meconium present in the lungs and she cries before they suction it can basically cause severe problems with oxygenation and possible admission to NICU). The pediatrician carries her over to the warmer and immediately suctions and the crying begins!
My crying increases even more and I can't look at Belle because I will lose it even more. I look at Nate pissed because the photographer is clicking away and the video is being recorded. UGGGHhhh I don't want to look at you photog person that I hired.
Someone whisks Nate away to be by Belle's side where he cuts the already cut cord down closer to the belly with the assistance of the pediatrician and the photog lady capturing every minute. Once Belle has been checked out the Pediatrician places her on my chest and I try to sooth her by placing my finger in her mouth. More pictures and video are being taken of our first moments together as a family.
The next thing I remember happens to be in bits and pieces of going back to the room talking to people, not sure who, and trying to move my legs. Nate then walks in and gets onto me for trying to move around and I am frustrated because I can't feel anything from my waist down and I feel trapped. Belle is brought to the room and I really don't remember much....
Later I come to find out that I talked to Dr. J and some one who wants to do my nails. I have zero recollection of feeding Belle for the first time but it happened.
Tomorrow I will post Nate's emails to the family during the surgery to see what happened on his end. Also, I will try to write about the day to day life in the hospital which was less than pleasurable.
Off to catch up on some sleep... realistically it's probably time to feed Belle again :)
Tchau,
Sara
