Let the Tears Fall

Even though Claudia came each day this week I still managed to break down and feel overwhelmed. A dash of feeling lonely mixed with uncertainty topped with tired makes deadly cocktail. Each morning I felt energized to take on the new day but by the end, with several failed attempts to get little Belle to sleep, I felt incompatible to be a mother.

The book says this and the mom next door's infant was sleeping by herself through the night at 5 weeks. So many opinions and information running through my head. When your tired, consistency lacks in everything you do. Most of the time you look for the quick solution and get frustrated when it doesn't succeed.

It's amazing how deflated you can feel in such a short amount of time. When you finally take a step back and realize that your baby is still a baby. A baby that is still learning and if she needs me to help her sleep then so be it! When she is ready to sleep on her own without being held then she will and I shouldn't feel like a failure because of some book or what another person's infant did.

Each day she makes huge strides in development. She found the swing toys above her head and now can tolerate the swing for 15 min. Tummy time has been extended to 5 min and she loves when I walk with her so she can look around. Each time she sees me she smiles and sort of giggles which melts my heart.

One of these days I will get some sleep and my arms will get a rest but only when Belle is ready. I will continue to try each day to see if she can tolerate it. Right now she is sleeping on her own in her bed without being held. I rocked her to 'almost' sleep and placed her down to nap. This lasted for about thirty minutes and then she woke up when she realized I wasn't next to her. I don't blame her. This world is scary!! I went into the room immediately then patted her belly and talked her down until she started to get drowsy again. I had to repeat this one more time but now she has been asleep for 45 min on her own. She is growing up so fast!!

The little steps. Maybe tomorrow there will be more progress but I am taking the win for today. Sad to say that I already miss the days where I didn't have to place her in her bed alone. I need to do what is best for the family and her development and help her through this transition. I guess I will need to get used to letting my baby go because for the rest of her life I will be teaching her to succeed without me constantly by her side and to be independent.

Can I have another baby please?

Wow. I must be tired :)

Tchau,
Sara

PS- did I also mention that Nate was gone for the whole week and that our power went out every single night? Talk about a stressful week. I am so grateful that Nate returns this evening. Adult conversation and someone to tell me it's ok Belle didn't get accepted into Harvard this week..... that can wait for 18 years!